Poser Syndrome With A Side Helping Of Ennui

When someone would say to me, “you’re smart” I would give them ten reasons why I’m not. When someone would say, “you don’t look as old as you are”, I would tell them, “well, thank you, but I feel a whole lot older.” And when someone would say, “your writing is beautiful”, I would tell them I have a long way to go before I’m even good.

Over time I’ve come to realize that a simple “thank you”, followed by the physical squeezing together of my lips, will keep me from throwing a compliment back in a giver’s face.

But sometimes the words slip out anyway, reminding me of what’s inside – the occasional lack of confidence, the disbelief in myself, the fear that I am a giant poser.

I think this is seriously exacerbated by social media. I am not a published author. I don’t know if I ever will be. And yet I blog about writing, about what inspires me, about finishing this draft or that.

I am not an authority on this stuff, this writing stuff. Yeah, I have an opinion, but so what? Everyone else does, too.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, when I’m published, THEN I can speak with authority on this topic or that. I’ll have credibility and confidence and I’ll believe. Finally, I’ll believe.

It ain’t gonna happen. As the kids say, it’s not how I roll. My own opinion has never much mattered to me, so getting a book contract isn’t going to make a difference in that regard. Wherever I go, there I am…. 

Friends, this isn’t a rant. It’s a release. Next Friday (3/25) is my last post at Killer Chicks. Instead of struggling with this blogging gig, I’ve decided to spend my time where my heart is – in the stories I’m creating, in becoming a better novelist. I’ll still post over at my personal blog from time to time, but I’ve come to the conclusion that life’s too short, my energy’s too depleted, and in the nine months I’ve been blogging, I’ve said more than I ever thought I would.

I’ll say a proper goodbye next week and there will be no ennui involved – PROMISE!