I'm coming up on a birthday. Not a milestone birthday, just A birthday. Birthdays tend to make me introspective. A dear friend and I literally wish one another "Happy Pensive Day."
So, in the spirit of introspection and the post I wrote last week about Thinking Less and Doing More, I've been thinking about what I want.
Meanwhile I've been talking to people about what THEY want. And after many conversations, I've come to what I'm sure will be an unpopular conclusion: While they SAY they want things, I'm not sure they do.
Now before you think I'm judging others harshly, let me explain how this theory applies to me.
I SAY I want to lose weight/run faster/be a nicer person, but the truth is, I'm not willing to do the work to actually do that. Sure I'll lose a few pounds/improve my running time a bit/make an effort to reach out to others-- but I won't REALLY commit to any of those things heart-and-soul and my results will reflect that.
We all know someone who, against all odds, has committed to one of those things (or something else equally impressive). We marvel at their dedication and wish we had their passion. We covet their results.
Just like we all know someone who wants to lose weight, take up running, get out of an unhealthy relationship, write/sell/publish a book, or do something else equally impressive, but NEVER makes more than a half-hearted effort to do it. They binge on Girl Scout cookies (is there a better food to binge on?), make excuses not to exercise, complain about a relationship, fail to write/send out query letters/listen to and learn from criticism.
If we're honest, most of us (all?) fall into the second category (I do!) where we CLAIM we want something. We might even BELIEVE we want it, but it's not what we really and truly want....because if we really, REALLY wanted it, we'd do everything in our power to make it happen.
So I'm going to make a radical suggestion: Focus your energy on what you really, truly, down-deep-in-your-soul WANT. Not what society wants, or your family, or your friends, but what YOU want. Not what common knowledge says can be done, but what your wildest dreams can imagine.
The other "wants" are just time and energy sucks -- black holes of aspirations you'll never achieve.
In a couple of weeks, when it's closer to my actual birthday, I'll tell you what my WANT is and what I'm doing to make that happen. (I will tell you that I've already started pursuing it and that those privy to my plans have reacted with a myriad of reactions...everything from "wow" to "aren't you afraid...?" to "I don't think..".)
Tell me Killer Friends: What do YOU really, really, really want? What "wants" are you willing to put aside to help bring your dreams closer to reality?
*Please forgive me a moment of braggage (good made-up word or not?) but I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that FURTHER CONFESSIONS OF A SLIGHTLY NEUROTIC HITWOMAN is numbers is STILL in the Top 30 of Kobo's Humorous Fiction List!
11 comments:
Happy almost Birthday!
Great post, JB, and one that required a bit more introspection on my part before I could answer. Now that I've had my requisite morning chemicals...
When you put it this way, I'm not sure I 'really really really' want anything. Not right at this moment anyway. Starting out writing seriously nine years ago, it was more a test. "Let's see if I can finally write a whole book." After I did, it was 'let's see if I can get this published'. Years of not getting published turned it into a matter of being so pig-headed I couldn't quit writing (and I do love it so). I still want to be published, but the white hot flame has banked, and the 'really really really' part is ash. :shrug:
And, of course, there's the whole 'if I don't admit I really really really want anything, it hurts less when I don't get it' thing. But that's a therapy session for another day. ;o)
Your post definitely hit home. For a long time I've been able to identify things I really DON'T want, but knowing exactly what I want has been difficult. My efforts to get what I think I want tend to wax and wane, so I have to ask myself how much I really do want something.
Dying to find out what you want that has people worried. You're not going to be jumping out of airplanes, are you?
B.E. -- Thanks. The ash part is sad, but I can certainly understand the pig-headed part, lol. You've got a lot on your plate right now, maybe once you survive that, you'll find a new or rekindled want.
Clarice -- I've been in the constant state of waxing and waning for so very long. It took me a lot of self-examination to figure out what I really, truly wanted.
I really, really, really, DON'T want to jump out of an airplane....that one took no thought. ;-)
Wow, JB! I'm checking over my shoulder to see if you've got a hidden camera in my office. And then I'm checking for puncture wounds because not only did this post hit home, it drove 3 foot spikes to anchor it against any wind of an excuse I could blow at it! Wow!!
My wants usually come with the "Big Enthusiasm", which dwindles into "Meh", and, then, the search to get what I want without putting in the work (Google gets utilized big time). My wants usually end up with the question "What was I thinking?"
Time for a little introspection - thanks for the incredibly thought-provoking post! And, I can't wait to hear what it is you 'want' that has garnered such diverse response!!
This is a great post, JB. I do have a milestone birthday coming up in two weeks. I'll be very introspective and pensive between now and then.
That said, I'm not sure there's anything I really, really, really want at this point in my life. Oh sure, I'd love to make the NYT list, or even USA Today, but that takes way more luck and outside influence than I can conjour. My career could be stronger but I'm working on that--mostly diligently. I have a stable marriage, a daughter I'm proud of--and proud of her husband.
I don't want to think I'm complacent but maybe I am. Maybe I don't have that "fire in the belly" anymore. I'm undecided if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I'll have to ponder that some more... *wanders off looking all pensive and stuff*
Janet -- Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with this cycle: My wants usually come with the "Big Enthusiasm", which dwindles into "Meh", and, then, the search to get what I want without putting in the work (Google gets utilized big time). My wants usually end up with the question "What was I thinking?"
I'd be interested in hearing the results of your introspection!
Silver -- Advance Happy Birthday wishes!
What do you mean that your career could be stronger? And how are you working on it??
Congrats on being proud of your family!
JB, I don't believe that anyone should be complacent about their career. I need to learn how to market more effectively. I want to get back in my writing groove.
Notice the difference there? Marketing is not my strong suit so I NEED to figure out how to do it. It's not necessary something I WANT to do, but yeah. And getting back into my writing groove entails taking chances and getting out of my comfort zone--much like what I need to do on the business end--and while it's something I WANT it's not something I'm doing at the moment. I find ways to procrastinate instead of knuckling down and getting it done. And that ties back into your topic today, about wanting something and truly believing it.
Silver -- I dislike the marketing aspect too. :-( But good for you for tackling it!
I've been on the same track toward the same goal for a long time. With no guarantees, I still have my eye on this one important goal for me. What's funny, however, is how this same goal has changed around the edges over time. Because as I grow and learn and experience and simply LIVE, what I want automatically does the same. From a distance, the goal all looks the same, but, up close, I can see the little differences.
First, it was publishing a book. I did that, and then realized it wasn't so much about publishing "a" book as opposed to publishing "more than one book."
Then, it became about writing the book that WANTS to be told through me ... an organic approach to writing my first solo book.
Now that this is almost done, I realize that it's not so much about publishing this book as what publishing it 'means'. Whereas, at a much younger age, it was just about validation and being able to say, "I'm a published author", now it means, hopefully, becoming an energized part of an industry that I want to spend time in, with other writers and professionals, talking writing and sharing stories and doing things I could not without creating a work I'm extremely proud of ... and hopefully that others are proud of too.
Now, it's becoming to mean more about community to me.
So, over time, it's become less about 'me' and more about 'me with so many others I would never otherwise meet and experience.'
I think it's more about the journey now than the destination.
And I do want this journey to go far, very, very much.
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